An open letter to Mr Dyson, inventor/household appliance wizard

Dear Mr Dyson,

Your hoovers don’t suck.

And that’s precisely the problem.

Some years back I found myself in need of a Hoover (it’s a kind of rite of passage into adulthood and responsibility).

I was easily seduced by the Dyson ideology that you take ordinary things and make them, not just extraordinary but also beautiful. I was lured in by the fact that yes, it comes in pink and oh look you can see inside it. That means when I Hoover up a spider (which undoubtedly is the hoover’s main raison d’être) I can make sure the little feckers aren’t breeding and starting a colony in there.
Sadly my love affair with the Dyson ended abruptly within a week of owning it when I realised it was designed to do anything but suck up dirt.

Our Dyson came with a multitude of accessories (it’s like a Transformer on steroids) including a snazzy head  with rotating bristles for hoovering carpet. Unfortunately after about 10 minutes of use, the bristles got so entangled with hair that the motor jammed, started to overheat and melted the plastic fixings.

I give you fundamental design flaw #1. I mean most people have hair, with a few notable exceptions (Kojak, Dr Evil, Jean Luc Picard) so surely a visionary designer like yourself could have anticipated this happening. Amazingly after I dissected the head, removed the melted components and defurred the bristles it miraculously started working again. I grant you that much, your machines are damn hard to kill.

So we now have a situation where I have to stop hoovering about every 5 minutes to pull all the hair out of the head. It would almost be as easy to pick it off the carpet by hand. Also the Amazing Rotating Bristled Head Attachment jams if it tries to swallow anything bigger than a 1c coin. So matches, 2c coins, small stones all confound it resulting in a loss of suction, so I have to pick all them up by hand too.

In fact generally all the bloody thing is good for is pushing dirt around the floor. It’s basically a very fancy, very expensive sweeping brush. And it fills up after about 4 uses which means I spend my life emptying the cursed thing.

How I miss the old bag filled hoovers. I could go for years without changing them and they just kept on sucking. So I’m sorry to announce Mr Dyson that I’m breaking up with you and getting back together with Happy Henry!

PS. Your hand driers seem ok but I haven’t had as much intimate experience with them. The jury’s still out on your fan heaters.

Kind regards,

R Mackin

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7 Responses to An open letter to Mr Dyson, inventor/household appliance wizard

  1. Ger says:

    Ha ha! Very good… and very true! Hate those modern under powered vacuum cleaners which are essentially little more than ‘middlemen’ for picking the stuff directly up off the carpet. I use mine sort of like those extender, stick rubbish grabber thingies you see the Corpo use.

  2. Huh, we’ve had ours over 10 years and not a problem with it. Considering my hair is mid-back length, and his is down to his waist (plus the big long haired dog and two cats), hair should be an issue for us. Maybe yours is defective?

  3. aj vosse says:

    Now that you’re on the subject… I never use his blade hand dryers any more… they trap other people’s moisture and then spit it back at me. So… after the first few times of using them I realised it was a trap. Now… if there are no hand towels I use the age old tactic… side of the jeans trick! 😉

  4. RoSy says:

    I have a Dyson. I got it falling for the hype of how great it was. I figured the cost may be worth it.
    For the price – I expect it to almost self-clean.

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